Have you ever worked under a leader who thought they were great at giving feedback, but in reality, every word they said seemed to chip away at the team’s morale? Or perhaps you had a manager who loved to take credit for the team’s successes, saying, “Look what I accomplished!” even though it was the collective effort of everyone involved. Maybe you’ve seen the opposite too—an aggressive leader quick to blame others for issues like employee turnover, never stopping to reflect on their own role in the problem.

These are classic examples of leaders who lack self-awareness. And when self-awareness is missing, you often see low team morale, high turnover, and poor decision-making. Leaders who lack self-awareness don’t realize the negative impact they have on their teams because they aren’t tuned in to how their behaviors affect those around them.

About 20 years ago, I had an experience that opened my eyes to the importance of self-awareness. I was the second-in-command for an event, and my direct supervisor asked me, just 10 minutes before it began, to run and make some copies. I immediately grabbed the paper and sprinted across campus. In my rush, I ran right past someone who waved at me and said, “Hi,” but I didn’t acknowledge them. In fact, I didn’t even notice them.

Looking back, I realize how much I lacked self-awareness in that moment. Sure, getting the copies done was important, but was it more important than acknowledging a person trying to connect with me? My focus on the task blinded me to the human interaction happening right in front of me. Fortunately, I had great leaders who weren’t afraid to call me out, helping me see where I needed to improve.

How Can Leaders Develop Self-Awareness?

If you’re a leader and want to improve your self-awareness, the first step is to seek feedback. One of the most effective ways to do this is through 360-degree feedback, where you gather insights from peers, employees, superiors, and even conduct self-assessments. I’m a big advocate of this approach because it provides a well-rounded view of your strengths and areas that need growth.

In my own practice, I’ve introduced what I call “Feedback Friday.” Each week, I send out an anonymous survey to gather feedback on my role and performance. Simple questions like, “Do you feel your manager makes decisions in a fair and consistent manner?” can open up a lot of valuable insights. At the end of this blog, I’ll share a cheat sheet of questions you can use to get similar feedback.

The Power of a Supportive Inner Circle

Another tool for building self-awareness is maintaining a tight inner circle of people you trust—those who care about your success and aren’t afraid to give you honest feedback. These are the people who will tell you when your behavior isn’t aligning with your intentions. They can offer insights on how you typically react under stress or pressure, helping you see patterns you might otherwise miss.

But What If Someone Isn’t Aware of Their Blind Spots?

Here’s the tricky part—if someone doesn’t realize they lack self-awareness, they can get defensive when it’s pointed out. Imagine a leader responding with, “What? I always listen to everyone. If anything, people in this team don’t speak up enough, and I have to step in to keep things moving. I’m just making sure the meeting stays productive!”

In reality, the issue might be that the team doesn’t feel they have the space to speak up. So, how do you address this kind of situation? Realistically, feedback needs to come from someone the leader respects. It’s often less effective when it comes from an entry-level employee.

You might start with, “I understand you have a lot of great ideas, and that’s probably why this happens. The goal is to make sure everyone feels heard and valued.” Or, “I’ve noticed in meetings that when you interrupt, other members feel discouraged from sharing their thoughts.” These aren’t attacks—they’re opportunities for growth, and they’re essential for leaders who want to develop true self-awareness.

Mindfulness: A Practical Tool for Self-Awareness

Another powerful tool to improve self-awareness is mindfulness. Now, I’m not necessarily talking about meditation or yoga, though those can be helpful for some people. Mindfulness is about being present and aware of your emotions, thoughts, and actions as they occur.

Years ago, my sister pointed out that I had issues with anger. I would get frustrated by the smallest things and react in ways that weren’t productive—sometimes yelling, other times sulking. This behavior carried over into my leadership roles, too. I remember one particular night when I was managing a quick-service restaurant. We had just introduced a new cookie dessert, and everyone was learning how to bake and store them. We ended up making too many, and as I was counting money in the office, I heard my team divvying up the leftover cookies.

For some reason, this irritated me, and I snapped at them. In hindsight, I realize how ridiculous it was to get angry over cookies, but in that moment, I let my emotions control me. This is what happens when we aren’t mindful of our feelings. We react, and it creates a divide between us and the people we lead.

Acknowledging and Controlling Emotions

So, how do you become more aware of your emotions and how they influence your actions? It starts with acknowledging them as they’re happening. On average, people experience emotions up to 100 times a day—about one every 10 minutes. Some are subtle, but others, like anger, happiness, or disgust, are easier to identify.

It’s crucial to understand that emotions are not inherently good or bad. They just are. Sometimes, our reactions to emotions can lead to unintended consequences, but the emotions themselves are neutral. By looking at them objectively, we can choose how to respond rather than react impulsively.

If you’re feeling angry, for example, acknowledge it: “I am feeling angry right now.” Then, decide what to do with that emotion. Do you want to yell? Should you? Do you want to punch a wall? Should you? By acknowledging your emotions and observing them without judgment, you gain control over them, and that’s a critical part of self-awareness.

Being self-aware is the first step toward becoming a high-impact leader. It means understanding how your actions and words affect others, and it requires a willingness to receive feedback and learn from it. It also means being present enough to recognize your emotions and manage them effectively. Great leaders value feedback because they know it will make them better, and they practice mindfulness to stay grounded, focused, and in control.

Mastering Self-Management: The Key to Leading Under Pressure

In our journey through high-impact leadership, we’ve covered self-awareness—the ability to understand how your behaviors and actions affect those around you. But self-awareness on its own isn’t enough. The next essential trait is self-management. Simply put, you can’t lead others effectively until you learn to lead yourself. Self-management is where self-awareness meets action. It’s about regulating your emotions and behaviors, especially when the pressure is on.

Picture this: there’s a tight deadline, multiple issues arise, and the team is stressed. You see a manager losing their cool, raising their voice, making rash decisions. This sets a tone of panic and chaos for everyone involved. On the other hand, when a leader remains calm and composed, it helps the whole team feel more at ease, even in challenging situations.

I was chatting with a friend who used to be a paramedic, and he shared a piece of advice that stuck with me: “Paramedics don’t run.” In his training, he was told that even if there’s an emergency, running to the scene causes panic. Everything they deal with is an emergency, but if people see them running, they’ll assume the worst. It’s the same with leadership. Even when there’s chaos and stress, leaders need to appear in control so that the rest of the team feels more at ease.

Emotional Regulation: The Foundation of Self-Management

Earlier, we talked about the importance of acknowledging our emotions as part of self-awareness. Now, let’s focus on how to manage them, particularly under stress. Learning to regulate emotions is a critical skill because it allows you to make better decisions and builds the team’s confidence in your leadership. But here’s the truth—even when you become really skilled at managing your emotions, there will always be things that push your buttons. You won’t magically remove all your emotional triggers, but you can certainly learn to handle them better.

Three Techniques to Improve Emotional Regulation

There are countless ways to work on emotional regulation, but I’d like to focus on three that I often recommend. Some of these may sound cliché, but there’s a reason they’ve become classics—they work, and there’s a lot of research behind them.

1. Breathing Exercises When you’re stressed or anxious, your brain kicks into “fight or flight” mode, making it harder to think clearly. Breathing exercises help calm your brain and shift you out of that heightened state. My favorite technique is the 4-4-8 method: breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4, and breathe out for 8. If you struggle with the holding part, just make sure your exhale is longer than your inhale. This signals your brain that it’s time to relax, slowing your heart rate and lowering stress hormones in your body.Doing this exercise 4 or 5 times in a row can significantly help you calm down, and I often recommend it to my athletes during high-pressure moments in a game. It’s simple, but incredibly effective.
2. Count to 10 You’ve probably heard this one before, but it’s more than just a way to buy time. When you count to 10, it forces your brain to focus on something else, providing a little mental distraction. This shift in focus can be enough to interrupt an emotional reaction.I often use this technique with volleyball players who are overwhelmed during a match. I tell them to take a moment to tie their shoe or tug on their knee pads and then refocus on the next serve. It’s about creating a brief pause that allows them to reset.
3. Positive Self-Talk The way you talk to yourself matters. If you keep telling yourself, “This is a disaster,” you’ll start to believe it, and it’ll affect how you handle the situation. But if you reframe it—“This is a challenge, but I love challenges, and I can handle it”—you shift your mindset.It’s wild how much we can trick our own brains. Recently, a friend was telling me about a book he read that emphasized this idea. The author suggested adopting a mindset like, “I’m the kind of person who embraces challenges, so I’m going to be that person.” By removing those limiting beliefs and replacing them with positive self-talk, you build resilience and confidence. You can handle anything that comes your way.

Beyond Emotional Regulation: Other Aspects of Self-Management

While emotional regulation is a huge part of self-management, it’s not the only element. Let’s also talk about maintaining boundaries and the importance of sleep—two often overlooked factors in effective leadership.

1. Maintaining Boundaries For many of us, self-management includes finding a healthy work-life balance. It’s about learning to say “no” when necessary. For me, this means that at 5 pm, I’m done with work. The rest of the day is reserved for my family or activities I enjoy.For far too long, I would work late into the evening—sometimes until 8 pm. While this wasn’t always a problem, it took time away from the people and things that were most important to me. Now, I’m more deliberate about setting boundaries. Of course, if there’s an urgent project, I don’t mind putting in extra time, but setting clear limits has improved my mental health and helped me avoid burnout.
2. Prioritizing Sleep Sleep is one of the most critical things we can do for our mental health, yet it’s often the first thing we sacrifice. Quality sleep helps improve productivity, boosts mood, and enhances our ability to handle stress. Find a routine that works for you. Go to bed at a reasonable hour, and avoid looking at your phone when you’re trying to fall asleep. It’s the simple habits that make a big difference.

Remember, leadership isn’t just about managing your team—it starts with managing yourself. When you learn to regulate your emotions under pressure and set healthy boundaries, your team notices. They see consistency in your behavior, which builds trust. And when your team trusts you, they’re more confident in your ability to lead, which translates into better performance across the board.

The Power of Social Awareness in Leadership: Understanding and Connecting with Your Team

Now that we’ve covered self-awareness and self-management, let’s shift gears to a crucial component of high-impact leadership: social awareness. It’s one thing to understand yourself and manage your own emotions, but great leaders also need to be attuned to the emotions, needs, and dynamics of the people around them.

Have you ever worked with someone who was so wrapped up in their own world that they were oblivious to how their actions affected others? Or maybe you’ve seen a manager make assumptions about why someone was quiet in a meeting, jumping to conclusions like, “Do you have anything to add, or are you just here to take up space?” This is where social awareness makes all the difference.

Social awareness is the ability to read the room, pick up on subtle cues, and understand that there might be something deeper going on beneath the surface. It’s about empathy, active listening, and being present in the moment. Leaders who lack social awareness can easily alienate their team, leading to low morale, disengagement, and sometimes even resentment. But those who master it can build high-performing teams by fostering trust, understanding, and a sense of support.

Lead with Empathy: Understand, Don’t Assume

One of the most important aspects of social awareness is empathy. A socially aware leader understands that everyone is dealing with something, whether it’s a personal issue or a work-related challenge. Instead of making assumptions, they take the time to ask questions and listen. As Ted Lasso famously says, “Be curious, not judgmental.”

I remember a time when I was working with a colleague, and suddenly she started crying during a conversation. I was caught off guard, but I didn’t dismiss her emotions. Instead, I asked what was going on, and she shared that her dog was very sick, and it was weighing heavily on her mind. A poor manager might have said, “Suck it up. You’ve got work to do.” But empathy is about understanding that someone might be struggling and could use a little extra support. Sometimes, that might mean offering them time off or just lending an ear.

Learn to Read Body Language: The Unspoken Conversation

One of the most underutilized tools in developing social awareness is reading body language. Often, we’re so caught up in our own thoughts or distracted by our devices that we miss what’s really happening around us. Body language can tell you a lot about how someone is feeling, even if they aren’t saying it outright.

Think about the last time you were in a meeting. Maybe you noticed people nodding along, but their arms were crossed, or they were tapping their feet. Something was off, but it wasn’t being said out loud. Socially aware leaders pick up on these cues. They might not address it immediately, but they make a mental note to check in later. For example, you might follow up with, “Hey, I noticed you seemed a bit off today. Is everything okay?” These small gestures show that you care about your team not just as workers, but as people.

A Counter-Intuitive Tip: Don’t Take Notes at Meetings

This might sound counterintuitive, but hear me out. First, if you’re worried about forgetting important details, use a note-taking app or a recording device. There are tons of AI tools that can summarize meetings for you, so you don’t have to scribble down everything.

Why is this important? Because when you’re busy taking notes, you’re not fully present. You miss the shifts in tone, body language, and even the subtle tensions that might arise. Meetings aren’t just about what’s being said; they’re about the energy in the room and how people are reacting to one another. Practice being fully present and watch how people respond. Are they leaning in, or are they checked out? Are they excited, or is there hesitation? You can’t capture these nuances by typing away on your laptop.

Mastering the Art of Active Listening

We’ve all heard about active listening, but it’s a skill that’s harder to master than it seems. It requires being intentional about what someone is saying and responding thoughtfully. Often, we’re distracted by everything else going on—emails, phones, our own internal monologues. Active listening means setting all of that aside and focusing entirely on the person speaking.

It’s more than just hearing their words. It’s about picking up on the tone and body language that tell the real story. Maybe someone says, “I’m fine,” but there’s a hesitation in their voice, or their posture is closed off. That’s a cue to dig deeper, not just accept the words at face value. Socially aware leaders know that “I’m fine” might mean anything but.

Build Social Awareness Through People-Watching

Here’s a simple but surprisingly effective exercise: go people-watching. Yes, really. Spend 15 minutes at a park, a coffee shop, or a mall, and observe how people interact. Notice their body language, facial expressions, and the way they respond to each other.

My wife loves people-watching, and whenever we’re out in public, she spends the whole time observing how others behave. It’s a great way to build social awareness because you start to pick up on subtle clues about what’s really going on beneath the surface. You’ll learn to recognize when someone is comfortable, anxious, engaged, or disconnected, even if they aren’t saying it out loud.

At its core, social awareness is about understanding the emotions and needs of the people you work with. It’s more than just knowing what’s happening around you—it’s about building a sense of support within the organization. When you demonstrate that you care, people are more likely to be engaged, motivated, and productive. High-impact leadership isn’t just about completing tasks; it’s about building strong, empathetic connections with your team.

Mastering Relationship Management: Building Strong, Trusting Connections in the Workplace

So far, we’ve covered self-awareness, self-management, and social awareness—three crucial components of effective leadership. Now, it’s time to bring everything together with relationship management. This is where all the skills you’ve developed come into play, and it’s what ultimately defines your success as a leader.

Think of relationship management as the glue that holds everything together. You might be technically skilled, detail-oriented, and always on top of your tasks, but if you don’t know how to manage relationships, your leadership will fall short. Imagine a manager who excels at meeting deadlines and knows the business inside out but struggles when it comes to people. They focus solely on tasks, hand out orders, and avoid dealing with conflicts between team members. This kind of approach leads to disengagement, low morale, and a team that only finds joy in venting privately or chatting at the water cooler.

The Key to Impactful Relationships: Trust, Feedback, and Communication

So, how do we build more impactful relationships in the workplace? It starts with trust, open communication, and genuine appreciation. Let’s dive into some practical ways to cultivate these elements.

1. Build Trust: The Foundation of Effective Leadership

Trust is the bedrock of any strong relationship, whether in the workplace or elsewhere. Without it, teams falter. Many years ago, a team member gave me feedback that has stuck with me ever since. They said, “Everyone knows what to expect from Stuart.” That consistency in my behavior and expectations helped build trust within the team.

When people know what to expect from you, they feel secure. They don’t have to play guessing games about how you’ll react on any given day. Will Stuart be approachable today, or is he going to flip a desk? The answer should be consistent because consistency builds trust. Great leaders are open and transparent. When they make promises, they follow through. They don’t leave their team wondering or second-guessing, and this reliability fosters a sense of safety and support that allows teams to thrive.

2. Take Feedback Well: Model the Behavior You Want to See

If you want your team to be open to feedback, you have to model that behavior yourself. Receiving constructive criticism is never easy, but great leaders don’t get defensive or brush off feedback. They take it in, reflect on it, and thank the person who provided it.

Remember, feedback is an opportunity for growth, not an attack on your leadership abilities. When your team sees that you can receive feedback without ego, they’ll be more comfortable both giving and receiving it themselves. It sets a tone of continuous improvement and open dialogue, where everyone feels heard and valued.

3. Have an Open Door Policy (But Set Boundaries)

Let’s clear up a common misconception: an open door policy doesn’t mean people can walk into your office whenever they want and disrupt your day. Your time and schedule are important. Instead, it’s about being approachable and available when your team needs you.

Your team needs to know they can come to you with ideas, concerns, and questions, and they should feel confident that you’ll be fully present when they do. An open door policy means you’re willing to listen and engage, but it’s also okay to set boundaries, like scheduling time for deeper conversations rather than addressing everything on the fly. It’s about finding a balance between being accessible and managing your own responsibilities.

4. Cultivate an Attitude of Gratitude: Celebrate Wins and Recognize Effort

Gratitude might sound like a soft skill, but it’s essential for effective relationship management. Your team needs to know that you appreciate their hard work and that you care about them not just as employees, but as people.

Make it a habit to recognize team members for their efforts and celebrate their successes, both big and small. The best organizations I’ve worked for had a culture of publicly acknowledging employees’ achievements. It makes the person receiving the recognition feel valued, and it also encourages others to step up and perform at their best. Plus, it fosters a sense of camaraderie and team spirit.

5. Explain Your Decisions: Transparency Is Key

One of the most frustrating things for employees is feeling left in the dark. I remember a situation where a major hiring decision was made for my department that directly affected me, but I wasn’t included in the conversation. In fact, I didn’t even know a new person was being hired until they showed up. It was confusing and frustrating, and it left me feeling disconnected from the decision-making process.

When you’re making decisions that affect your team, take the time to explain what’s happening and why. This doesn’t mean you have to solicit feedback on every decision, nor do you need to justify everything. But providing some context helps your team understand the reasoning behind your choices, making them more likely to get on board and align with the goals. The last thing you want is a team that’s frustrated, confused, or feels sidelined by decisions that affect their day-to-day work.

Effective relationship management is about more than just keeping the peace. It’s about building genuine connections, fostering trust, and creating a culture of open communication and appreciation. When you bring self-awareness, self-management, and social awareness together, you become the kind of leader who can truly manage relationships. And that’s the difference between a team that just shows up to work and a team that’s motivated, engaged, and ready to achieve great things.

As you continue to develop your leadership skills, remember that it’s not just about the tasks you complete or the goals you hit—it’s about how you build and maintain the relationships that make those achievements possible.

Conclusion

We’ve covered a lot of ground today, walking through the essential skills that define high-impact leadership. From self-awareness and self-management to social awareness and relationship management, these components work together to create a leader who not only drives results but also inspires, supports, and empowers their team.

Being a great leader isn’t about having all the answers or micromanaging every detail. It’s about understanding yourself, managing your reactions, reading the room, and building authentic connections with the people you lead. It’s about creating an environment where your team feels safe, valued, and motivated to bring their best every day.

These skills might not always come naturally, but the good news is that they can be developed. Whether you’re just starting out or have been in leadership for years, there’s always room to grow. It begins with a willingness to look inward, to seek feedback, and to be intentional about how you show up each day.

Bringing It All Together

Think of leadership as a journey rather than a destination. Each day presents new opportunities to apply what you’ve learned, refine your skills, and make a positive impact. By practicing self-awareness, you can understand how your actions affect others. By mastering self-management, you can remain calm and composed under pressure. By honing social awareness, you can connect with your team on a deeper level, and by prioritizing relationship management, you can build a foundation of trust and collaboration.

Great leaders are made, not born. It’s the ongoing practice of these skills that transforms a good leader into a great one, and a great one into an extraordinary one.

As you move forward, take time to reflect on each of these elements. Which area do you excel in, and where do you need to focus more attention? Growth doesn’t happen overnight, but with consistency and a willingness to learn, you’ll continue to make strides.